Well, dear friends.
I never expected to be writing from this blog again. But here I am, less than a couple weeks shy of two years since my last day of my summer in California.
Let's start with the news.
(If I haven't contacted you by now, I am truly and deeply sorry. I think this news is best delivered at best over a phone conversation, and I wish I had the time to spend chatting at length with all of you. But reality beckons, and again, I am truly sorry if you feel slighted in any way. I promise it wasn't intentional.)
I am moving back to California! (Ventura County, specifically.) In the past month and a half, I have experienced a ridiculous roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts. Typically they go from a panic attack of sorts to crying to peace about the situation, to excitement about what's to come, and then back to freaking out...and so it went around and around and around again.
So...two years later. So much has happened in these two years. Too much, really.
If you were to have asked me if I'd be returning to the golden coast (as a resident)...up until about a month and a half ago, I would have probably responded something akin to this:
"I won't deny I've thought about it. I think it'd be fun. I miss California. But in the end, Minnesota is home."
And to a high degree, that is certainly true.
I believe Minnesota will always be my true home. The lakes, the trees, the cities, Twins & Vikings games, Northwestern just right down the road, Grandparents' farm just north a short drive, Camp (my other home), white Christmases, blizzards and 100 degree temps with crazy humidity that makes my hair frizz out like Monica in Barbados (a Friends reference, for those who couldn't quite get that)....and friends and family.
Then about a year ago, almost to the day, I moved to Watertown, SD.
This past year I've spent struggling to be content. In one sense, I knew I didn't see myself in Watertown forever. But for the time, it just seemed like it'd still be a few years. My family, at least for the time being, is here. My best friend was lucky enough to get a job at the Christian School here. (ok, luck had NOTHING to do with it, because she is one of the best teachers...ever...) And throughout the past year, I've developed wonderful friendships with some fantastic ladies.
Yet the past year, I've had this growing sense of discontentment...I just kept thinking "There's gotta be more to life than this." I felt stuck.
It's always interesting looking back on things. Because looking back, now, I realized that God has his hand in this the whole time. He put that feeling of discontentment in my heart, and didn't take it away as I prayed for contentment. It didn't make any sense to me. And then...well, to put things simply, things just came crashing down, and I was left to make a decision about my future.
And to make a long story short (I feel like I've been saying that so much lately, but really, the full story would be WAY too long)...I just felt like God was calling me back to Cali.
It made no sense to me. With a poor economy, high cost of living, and student loan payments, moving to California just seemed like a fool's choice. Then you add in the mix that my whole life has been spent in the midwest. It's everything I've ever known and I'd be leaving that. Oh, sure, I had those 11 amazing weeks during the summer of 2010. It was truly a dream...a dream I lived. But I think part of what allowed me to be so comfortable there was that I knew I'd be coming back home. All the little things I missed during my time away...I knew I'd experience them again. Yet, this time, I recognized that moving to California would be a completely new experience.
But all of the "excuses" I made in my head for me to NOT move to California all became a moot point when God pointed me west.
As I sat on the picnic table next to the lake, soaking in any scripture I could find on what my heart was going through, God just whispered to me, "Do you Trust me?"
And it was as if I replied "Yeah, of course." And he just responded..."No...do you REALLY trust me?"
And so in my journal, I wrote two letters..."LA"...and with confidence, I put a big circle around it. And thus begins my journey.
There have been many moments in the past month and a half where I am hit with this sense of "You're crazy, Hannah. This makes no sense, and this is completely insane." It's those moments I panic...those moments I completely break down, when the wind is knocked out of me, and I can't catch my breath. Sometimes I do what's best and go back to God's word, reassuring me that sometimes one just has to take a very large step of faith. That reassurance comes every time I question my decision...it always comes back to the truth that God is in fact calling me back out to California.
Then there are those other moments during a meltdown...those moments that I need the reassurance from a friend. Seriously...if you've been one of those friends in the past month and half, I can't thank you enough. Thank you for just quietly waiting while I try to compose myself enough to speak. Thank you for understanding and always guiding me back to God, reassuring me that it's all not as crazy as it seems, and that God will provide everything I need. I have the best friends. And I don't say that lightly.
So, you ask...what does life look like for me?
At this moment, I have very few definitive answers.
If all travel goes well, my friend Ruth and I will be pulling into Ventura County really late Monday July 30th. I have a couple interviews for jobs the following day, and I'm hoping they come through for me.
As for housing, I will be living with my aunt and uncle until I can establish myself and get an apartment.
Other than that, I can tell you that I cannot WAIT to be back into life at Camarillo EVFree and Emmaus, and seeing and spending time with all of the amazing people I have met from there and any others I have yet to meet.
I can tell you that I will most likely be soaking up as much of the ocean as I can. Because, let's be honest...I love the beach. And what's life on the Golden Coast without time at the ocean?
I can tell you that dance will still remain a part of my life, in some fashion. Whether it be teaching, volunteering, or taking classes at Edge, it'll still be a part of my life.
I can't tell you much more than that, but what I *DO* know is that God has so much planned for me and I cannot wait to see what He brings my way!
So that brings me to what some would call the conclusion... point c, the final point, the wrap-up.
I NEED YOUR PRAYERS!
I think this blog has given you a taste of what the past month and a half has brought me. But I have a growing suspicion that God is going to test my faith in more ways.
Pray for:
(the "stuff" stuff.)
1) Employment! And when we get to it further on down the road, housing.
2) The travel! I'll be driving my baby, a '98 Dodge Neon named Princess Izzy (lovingly dubbed by my bestie during our last road trip out to California.) We've had our ups and downs together, but she's mostly like Old Faithful. Just pray that God will give us safe passage to our new home.
Also pray for Ruth's flight back! (Anyone who knows Ruth knows why.)
(the heart stuff...aka, the harder-to-do stuff.)
3) My faith! Like I have mentioned, since God has pointed me in this direction, I have had a few meltdowns. I am taking a ridiculously giant leap of faith, and I am, to put it lightly...terrified. Pray that I wouldn't be like Peter...that I would stop looking at the water beneath me and look into His beautiful face, knowing he has this all planned out.
4) My friends and family...and me. Leaving them is going to be probably the hardest thing I've done in my life, and there will be, I'm sure, great moments of "homesickness." Pray for God's comfort during these times. Either that or pray for a few airplane tickets back home for a short time.
Before I finish this off, I have to send off a few specific shoutouts.
To Chelz. My confidante, my partner in crime, my same-species, my beautiful tree...my best friend. I hate leaving you. I think I told you this when I broke the news to you...but I figured we've never spent more than maybe 4 months at a time apart since we first met. Certainly no more than 6. Nothing I could ever say can even come close to describing how much I'm going to miss you. I love you, dear BFF! That will never change.
To my sister -
I wish I could explain to you all of this in a way that would make you understand. But I think just like how I didn't fully realize why we left Hawley, you might not understand why I have to leave you now. I pray that this would all make sense to you someday, that this may be another example of God's amazing plan for us all. It kills me knowing I won't be able to come to your band concerts, be there for your birthdays, or annoy you in whatever ways I can think of (because I know you secretly like it). I think God knew what he was doing when he let 10 years, 3 months and 4 days pass before I got to meet you, and I couldn't imagine life being any different. I love you so much, Nomi-jean. You are my best sister.
To my parents -
I never understood growing up what it really meant when you followed God's call to all the places we've lived. I never fully understood why we left Hawley...all I knew is that you were doing what God called you to do and I just had to take it at face-value.
If there's any testament to how you've raised me, it's this. Because I finally get it. It's the thing that makes no sense that makes the most sense.....because you're trusting God. Thank you for not doing the thing that made the most sense. My whole life since that move from Hawley, I've always longed for roots...for one place to call home. Because I thought that's what would make me happy. But I understand now that just because I am not "in the ministry" doesn't mean that I am immune to God calling me to other places.
I cannot even fathom how my life is going to be without you close by me. Even while I was away at college, it still felt like I had a safety net. It was being able to come home when I "needed to do laundry," even though it cost way more in gas than it would have just to do laundry in the dorms, or when I "needed more of mom's salsa," which was, in fact, a true necessity, because it's not like I can just run to the store to get your amazing salsa. Yes, getting salsa and 'free' laundry was a perk, but it was never about that. It was just that I needed family time.
Thank you for graciously understanding this all, for waiting for me to make decisions for myself, and for always pointing me back to Scripture and absorbing myself in it. I love you more than I can ever say or do.
With that...
I'm so excited to see what God has in store! I am scared in the best way, confident that He has me in His palm! So now...
I do believe this is going to be the first post of many more to come! It'll be interesting to see what new posts I'll be posting from here on out!
Psalm 32:8:
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."
